a day such as this...

ella brooks and some of the other "friendly beasts" and all of the children (far left)
heath playing with his SAINTS semi truck and tractor gifts. vruummm....by the way, he has been wearing that lovely yellow montreat stocking cap, except in bed and bath, for 3 days!! usually he pulls it almost over his eyes and you feel like his next word is going to be "Word..."

uncle robert tells jokes...

i am sitting on the couch eating a brownie (that my mom made as part of a treat to take to the PICU staff at Duke--sorry, mom, i couldn't resist:). my children are nestled all snug in their beds (i dare say they are dreaming of things like big trucks and fancy nancy in lieu of sugar plums). i sent chris off to hang out with some fellas from the church. the football game is playing in the background. it feels almost, well, NORMAL....

there is a little part of me that feels like i am cheating on my memories, particularly on the memories of this day and the next, one year ago.

but i know that is not really true. still, at this very normal moment, i feel the tears well up in my eyes. the emotions, for all of our family and dear friends, are right on the edge. and every once in a while, they spill over just a bit when we remember what we were doing a year ago today. we had almost lost hope. it was day ten on life support, and everyone had been telling us that bad things started to happen after day ten. and then, the phone rang and the voice said, "mrs. tuttle, i figured that you had already heard the rumors." what rumors? "well, we think we have a heart."

hope. joy.

and they did. and it is a good, strong heart. and it beats well in heath's chest. it helps him be the busy, hilarious, rascally (is that word?) boy that he is. it helps him be the strong, determined little fella who has taught us so much at an early age...

and today i am so grateful for the gift of life that was given to our son, to us, from someone very far away, who has very different memories of this day a year ago.

we enjoyed the music at church today. we had an wonderful early christmas celebration with sarah, robert, bob and pat at our house after church. then sarah and robert stayed home with heath (bless them--what a gift to us!) and the rest of our crew headed to the church for the christmas pageant. and, oh my, it was a pageant. 60 children (yes, that IS the correct number) led us in all their great glory. ella brooks, a dove, sitting peacefully in the middle of the crowd. a wayward cow who made me laugh as hard as i have in a long time. 20 dancing angels. the old familiar hymns that warm my soul. the familiar story. it was magnificent. the lights came down, silent night began, and the "twinkling stars" (the youngest children) began the make their way down the aisle. it was a holy night, a holy moment. all of a sudden the emotion welled up--thinking simply of being able to BE in the moment, looking at my sweet girl, thinking about how much Heath would enjoy it next year, NEXT year (again, we can actually not be as afraid to make plans), thinking about the wonderful congregation to which we have been called...it was almost too much to take in in that moment. i shed those tears that had been coming all day--with great joy and gratitude.

with the angels, let us sing--hallelulah!

and then the lights came up, we ate dinner, sang many more carols with more people than could fit at the tables and chairs, came home to Heath doing his "i'm so happy to be with my family dance" (which is hilarious) and we snuggled for a few extra minutes on the bed all together.

if you had wondered if we were thinking about this anniversary, we most certainly are. have we talked about it? quietly, late at night, in brief moments. but as we live day to day it is almost impossible to re-live last december out loud. so instead, we have realized the best way to "celebrate" and savor the moments is to live as fully and heartily and normally as we know how these days.

and we'll give thanks for life and all those who have walked with us and cried tears of horror and great joy and made it possible for us to be here, and for this great little fella who teaches us more about living every day, and most certainly, we'll say many prayers for some dear givers of life very far away.

blessings to you all. good night.