on saturday morning i took a cpr class at westminster. it was really helpful--but i must admit the process of learning cpr was quite emotional for me. as the video went through "scenarios" in which cpr might need to be used, i found the emotion welling up in me remembering some of the scariest moments of my life this past november and december. i found myself suddenly so overwelmed thinking about the fragility of life, but then in the same instant thinking about the great enormous joy in this very same life.
i got home, and heath fell asleep on me, sheer joy to any mama, really (unless it is the middle of the night and he or she should be IN THE BED!!). I heard chris say, "oh dear God..." and he turned the computer toward me to read an email, unable to speak.
in horror, i read that our friend and colleague from seminary, David Knauert, had died suddenly that morning while jogging in atlanta. how could this be possible? but it was true. David was in atlanta finishing preparations to go to teach the bible in a university in brazil. As he finished his phd at duke, he and his wife, Leigh, and their 4 children were called to be Presbyterian missionaries.
I don't really have words right now to say about him. You might be interested to read his own words, and you will appreciate him:
http://www.pcusa.org/missionconnections/letters/knauertd/knauertd_0910.htm
what i do ask for are your prayers for his family in such a sudden, tragic time.
we have learned how important it was for us to have those who knew us and didn't know us at all praying when we weren't sure we could or even what or how to pray.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
a strange anniversary
A year ago yesterday. A year ago yesterday I was meeting my best friend's new baby for the first time in Black Mountain, getting to see good friends and family at Montreat, and I was wildly excited, strangely, about coming home to pack boxes for our move to Durham. Chris had stayed home to take Heath to his 9-month check-up.
And then the world as we knew it, as our families knew it, came crashing down suddenly, with the words, "you know, I think I hear something a little funny, let me get another colleague to listen too..."
As we realized what day it was yesterday, i don't think we knew how reflective we wanted, or could be. I said, "um, Chris, do you know what day it is?" "Yes, Carrie, of course I do." We left it at that. Then we went about our day--as regularly as we know how these days. we picked eb up from school, raked leaves, even had a little gelato date with friends (well, the girls did...).
Somehow, though, the gelato tasted a little better, the raked yard looked a little more beautiful, the leaves felt a little fluffy-er as we jumped in them, and the children's giggles as they jumped sounded like music to our ears.
I snapped a picture of eb helping heath up the stairs, as I teared up, thinking about the year we've had and particularly about all of the people and things for which I am so deeply grateful.
I am grateful for our families who have walked alongside us, holding our hands, crying with us, laughing with us, giving up so much of themselves to try to make this ok.
For our friends all over the world and right here who rushed to our sides, who prayed.
For the communities of faith who cared for us and prayed and had faith when we could barely hope.
For the pediatricians, hospital doctors and nurses and staff who have and continue to care for us so well. Today I am particularly grateful for a thorough pediatrician in Greensboro (thanks, Brian) and for the kind, hopeful way the folks at UNC delivered close to the worst news parents could hear a year ago on this day.
I am grateful for the hilarious conversation/playtime that is going on in the room next to me while Chris and Ella Brooks play with her dollhouse--and heath comes running over periodically to steal a doll or show us them his belly.
A year ago yesterday I remember calling my dad as I was rushing home from Black Mountain to take Heath to the hospital and saying, "dad, i don't know if we'll be able to call to say happy birthday tomorrow..." and today I will rejoice in calling him later to talk about what a lovely day it is on his birthday.
Later today Chris is going to take heath to the dedication of a local habitat house. They will participate in the beginning of someone's else's dreams for a new way of life. Fitting, I think.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
ah, the circle of life
we've had a week, well, several weeks, of pretty serious ups and downs in the tuttle household. that is why i haven't posted anything for a while--I didn't really have words...
yesterday afternoon we had to put our much-loved dog, zeke, to sleep. those of you who had been to our house in the last few years, particularly this year, were well aware of the "wait, let me put the dog up in our room..." schtick. Zeke had always been a little "protective" of us, but unfortunately, his erratic and at times threatening behavior was only increasing toward anyone deemed "stranger" (um, pretty much anyone or thing who wasn't our immediate family). After consulting with a dog behaviorist/trainer and our veterinarian, we learned what I think we already knew in our hearts--Zeke's troubles were completely temperment and not behavior that could be changed. We agonized, but we knew what we had to do. We have shed many, many tears in the past 24 hours. Although he may have seemed "threatening" to others, he was our friend and our other family member, as Ella Brooks continues to call him. He loved us, perhaps to his own detriment. He snuggled with us on the bed, delighted in late-night walks, loved to have his soft ears scratched, and kept Chris company all those times I was on youth trips. The night before Heath crashed last December, I found Zeke under Heath's crib, perhaps knowing what we would know soon after. He slept in Heath's room while he was in the hospital. We were his people. He was our friend. We will forever love him for who he was to us.
Chris and I are now crying on the couch while watching the world series.
We had some good news, though, too. I took Heath into a routine cardiac clinic check-up this morning at Duke. After making it very clear to everyone within earshot how angry he was about being weighed, measured and having his blood drawn again, he settled back into his usual pleasant self, just in time to find out that he is doing so well that he is going to be losing 4 medications!!!! We will be easing out the iron, enalapril (one of the blood pressure meds), prednisolone and valgancyclovir over the next few weeks and month! YEAH!!! We don't go back for a check-up until February. Then, we'll do a cath maybe a month or so after that and if all goes well--not another cath for a YEAR!
we know that there is alot of time (and sickness season) between now and then, but that is pretty darn exciting. the kids have h1n1 and regular flu shots and Heath is getting synagis, the monthly shot that is regularly given to premies during winter months to help stave off rsv. And we're starting to try to stick closer to home with him too (my awesome bible study group just gave me the most incredible care package for being home more--thanks!!). This is tough because he would like to go out and flirt and hug pretty much every person he sees. Yes, he is my child. If you say anything about his belly, he lifts his shirt to show WHOMEVER is in front of him (yesterday it was random ladies at the table next to us at Rick's). I am not sure whose child he is when he does that...(Chris??)
speaking of contagious illness, I don't think i have written about the "chicken pox episode." it appears that eb sat on some sort of biting insect or something because she suddenly had little red bumps all over her legs and torso one evening. since she had been vaccinated, we weren't sure how chicken pox would present itself (she didn't feel bad), so to be cautious we and our wonderful pediatrician and the heart folks at duke decided to quarantine eb and me at my mom's house (bless mom and strow--they are very good sports with these sorts of things). we had to go and get her "scraped" at duke (they had to do it in our car because we needed it done quickly and they had no room in the inn) to see if it was pox or not. oh my. it was a little scary because it could be very bad for heath to be exposed to something like chx pox. but alas, it was some sort of bug bite (over 50 of them--poor itchy girl) and we were reunited again for more fun, tuttle family adventures.
we had a great time celebrating ella brooks' birthday. you'll see some pictures of her party with her friends. mom and pat were the fabulous grandmas with music, art and lots of fun! it was a great time for all, especially eb. heath actually slept through the entire party, which was PERFECT since we didn't want him around so many people. We did a little family celebrating at the birthday hut (long story) at mom and strow's the weekend before.
on monday our family went to burlington so I could speak to the Presbyterian Women at First Presbyterian. it was so wonderful to be back with our dear friends in burlington--and they tolerated my lovely children getting excited about the microphone and lecturn and piano after the lunch! it was an emotional day too because it was the first time i had spoken in public about all that has happened with us in this past year. it was hard to re-live those events in november and december of last year, but it was also helpful to see how far we've come--only with the help of others and by the grace of God.
step by step. hour by hour. day by day. if i have learned nothing else, it is to appreciate all those moments, especially the little things.
carrie
yesterday afternoon we had to put our much-loved dog, zeke, to sleep. those of you who had been to our house in the last few years, particularly this year, were well aware of the "wait, let me put the dog up in our room..." schtick. Zeke had always been a little "protective" of us, but unfortunately, his erratic and at times threatening behavior was only increasing toward anyone deemed "stranger" (um, pretty much anyone or thing who wasn't our immediate family). After consulting with a dog behaviorist/trainer and our veterinarian, we learned what I think we already knew in our hearts--Zeke's troubles were completely temperment and not behavior that could be changed. We agonized, but we knew what we had to do. We have shed many, many tears in the past 24 hours. Although he may have seemed "threatening" to others, he was our friend and our other family member, as Ella Brooks continues to call him. He loved us, perhaps to his own detriment. He snuggled with us on the bed, delighted in late-night walks, loved to have his soft ears scratched, and kept Chris company all those times I was on youth trips. The night before Heath crashed last December, I found Zeke under Heath's crib, perhaps knowing what we would know soon after. He slept in Heath's room while he was in the hospital. We were his people. He was our friend. We will forever love him for who he was to us.
Chris and I are now crying on the couch while watching the world series.
We had some good news, though, too. I took Heath into a routine cardiac clinic check-up this morning at Duke. After making it very clear to everyone within earshot how angry he was about being weighed, measured and having his blood drawn again, he settled back into his usual pleasant self, just in time to find out that he is doing so well that he is going to be losing 4 medications!!!! We will be easing out the iron, enalapril (one of the blood pressure meds), prednisolone and valgancyclovir over the next few weeks and month! YEAH!!! We don't go back for a check-up until February. Then, we'll do a cath maybe a month or so after that and if all goes well--not another cath for a YEAR!
we know that there is alot of time (and sickness season) between now and then, but that is pretty darn exciting. the kids have h1n1 and regular flu shots and Heath is getting synagis, the monthly shot that is regularly given to premies during winter months to help stave off rsv. And we're starting to try to stick closer to home with him too (my awesome bible study group just gave me the most incredible care package for being home more--thanks!!). This is tough because he would like to go out and flirt and hug pretty much every person he sees. Yes, he is my child. If you say anything about his belly, he lifts his shirt to show WHOMEVER is in front of him (yesterday it was random ladies at the table next to us at Rick's). I am not sure whose child he is when he does that...(Chris??)
speaking of contagious illness, I don't think i have written about the "chicken pox episode." it appears that eb sat on some sort of biting insect or something because she suddenly had little red bumps all over her legs and torso one evening. since she had been vaccinated, we weren't sure how chicken pox would present itself (she didn't feel bad), so to be cautious we and our wonderful pediatrician and the heart folks at duke decided to quarantine eb and me at my mom's house (bless mom and strow--they are very good sports with these sorts of things). we had to go and get her "scraped" at duke (they had to do it in our car because we needed it done quickly and they had no room in the inn) to see if it was pox or not. oh my. it was a little scary because it could be very bad for heath to be exposed to something like chx pox. but alas, it was some sort of bug bite (over 50 of them--poor itchy girl) and we were reunited again for more fun, tuttle family adventures.
we had a great time celebrating ella brooks' birthday. you'll see some pictures of her party with her friends. mom and pat were the fabulous grandmas with music, art and lots of fun! it was a great time for all, especially eb. heath actually slept through the entire party, which was PERFECT since we didn't want him around so many people. We did a little family celebrating at the birthday hut (long story) at mom and strow's the weekend before.
on monday our family went to burlington so I could speak to the Presbyterian Women at First Presbyterian. it was so wonderful to be back with our dear friends in burlington--and they tolerated my lovely children getting excited about the microphone and lecturn and piano after the lunch! it was an emotional day too because it was the first time i had spoken in public about all that has happened with us in this past year. it was hard to re-live those events in november and december of last year, but it was also helpful to see how far we've come--only with the help of others and by the grace of God.
step by step. hour by hour. day by day. if i have learned nothing else, it is to appreciate all those moments, especially the little things.
carrie
Monday, October 12, 2009
fun at the waterford fair
So we had a great visit to waterford, virginia, to the annual Waterford Homes Tour and Crafts Fair. Waterford is a village where my nana has lived for almost 40 years and it feels as much like home as any place for me. I was so excited that we'd be able to go this year! We had to be careful about germs and we kept Heath out of most of the big crowds, but he even got to experience the fun of the fair. Heath and Ella Brooks enjoyed great time with cousins, great-grandmother, aunts, uncles, grandparents and great family friends. Other than Heath not sleeping very well, both kids did beautifully. My sister, Cindy and her fiance came from Macon, GA, and she posted these pictures: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/album.php?aid=2068666&id=44301602
We had a great opportunity for a new friend, Kathy Zavatson, to do a photo shoot with mostly the kids, but even the whole family. You can see some of the pictures in her blog:
As you can see, she is a fabulous photographer. If you live in the dc/northern virginia area, you should get her to do some photos for you!
It was such a great feeling--bringing tears to our eyes multiple times throughout the weekend--to see our family laughing, drinking wine (not the kids, of course!!), enjoying one another, and doing something that we have done for my entire life (roaming around the fair). the way you look at the world changes when you have been where we have been in the last year. the way that you enjoy the very simple things in life changes too.
that is all i have to update right now.
blessings to you all.
carrie
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
beautiful fall day
A quick tuttle update on a beautiful fall afternoon! It is really too gorgeous to be inside on the computer, but Heath is napping and Ella Brooks could use a little down time before we head back outside...
We're doing very well!
Today we're packing for our annual trek to the Waterford Fair in my Nana's town in northern Virginia. The rain has stopped, hopefully, and we look forward to a great weekend away with my family.
It has been a few weeks of visits from family and friends--what fun! Uncle Jamie returned from Haiti for a few days tacked onto the end of his trip to southern Georgia representing MFK (Meds/Food for Kids, the organization he is working with in Haiti) for a Georgia peanut convention/farm tour. Our dear friends, Pen, Lindsey and Wells Peery came through town too, so we got to have a good short visit with them (and a little dance party for the kids!!). Bob came after school the same weekend and stayed for a couple days, and a great treat was that Aunt Diane (Bob's sister) was able to come down from Salem, VA, to see us as well. Aunt Sarah and Uncle Robert came over for dinner...My Aunt Nancy was able to come visit on Monday--and we got to have a good visit with she and my cousins Margaret and Rodger at my mom's house too. Then, Aunt Jo (Strow's sister) came into town on Thursday and we had a fun lunch date with her too. Wow--does that make you tired? During that weekend/week, several people said, "wait, you mean you have a different family member here now?" It was actually a FABULOUS time with everyone!!! Never a dull moment in the Tuttle household, that is for sure.
Our friend Rodger Nishioka was here doing a "spiritual enrichment weekend" at Westminster (he had been signed up for this for a couple years, actually), so we got to see him and catch up on all the fun happenings at columbia. Even Rodger was unable to escape the lovely Tuttle evening dance party...although he only had to watch.
Perhaps we are also getting all our visits in now as we prepare for flu season. Apparently the flu is running rampant around this area. Reality has begun to sink in that it is about time to start to hunker down for flu season with Heath. That is particularly tricky because the sweet guy is about the biggest extrovert I have met in quite some time!! (and you know me--that is saying something!) He doesn't meet a stranger. I just have to figure out how to say, "please don't touch the sweet toddler who is trying to talk to you..." We probably won't stay in quite as much as last winter, but we've already stopped taking him to church or to pick EB up at school or putting him in too many shopping carts.
Ella Brooks taught Heath how to say, "poo poo," for which I am so grateful (very sarcastic). Ah, older siblings. It is actually pretty funny, so I am trying to master the fine art of the "parent sternly saying "no" and hiding how tickled your child has made you. Thankfully, right now he is pretty obsessed the word "ball," so I can distract him easily. He has a VERY LOUD VOICE and yells at people from our screened porch. He is pretty hilarious. I wish you all could see him in action.
That, believe it or not, is my update. No sickness, no heart caths. I hope all updates can be as normal (well, its all relative when it comes to our family, but you know what I mean...)
love, carrie
We're doing very well!
Today we're packing for our annual trek to the Waterford Fair in my Nana's town in northern Virginia. The rain has stopped, hopefully, and we look forward to a great weekend away with my family.
It has been a few weeks of visits from family and friends--what fun! Uncle Jamie returned from Haiti for a few days tacked onto the end of his trip to southern Georgia representing MFK (Meds/Food for Kids, the organization he is working with in Haiti) for a Georgia peanut convention/farm tour. Our dear friends, Pen, Lindsey and Wells Peery came through town too, so we got to have a good short visit with them (and a little dance party for the kids!!). Bob came after school the same weekend and stayed for a couple days, and a great treat was that Aunt Diane (Bob's sister) was able to come down from Salem, VA, to see us as well. Aunt Sarah and Uncle Robert came over for dinner...My Aunt Nancy was able to come visit on Monday--and we got to have a good visit with she and my cousins Margaret and Rodger at my mom's house too. Then, Aunt Jo (Strow's sister) came into town on Thursday and we had a fun lunch date with her too. Wow--does that make you tired? During that weekend/week, several people said, "wait, you mean you have a different family member here now?" It was actually a FABULOUS time with everyone!!! Never a dull moment in the Tuttle household, that is for sure.
Our friend Rodger Nishioka was here doing a "spiritual enrichment weekend" at Westminster (he had been signed up for this for a couple years, actually), so we got to see him and catch up on all the fun happenings at columbia. Even Rodger was unable to escape the lovely Tuttle evening dance party...although he only had to watch.
Perhaps we are also getting all our visits in now as we prepare for flu season. Apparently the flu is running rampant around this area. Reality has begun to sink in that it is about time to start to hunker down for flu season with Heath. That is particularly tricky because the sweet guy is about the biggest extrovert I have met in quite some time!! (and you know me--that is saying something!) He doesn't meet a stranger. I just have to figure out how to say, "please don't touch the sweet toddler who is trying to talk to you..." We probably won't stay in quite as much as last winter, but we've already stopped taking him to church or to pick EB up at school or putting him in too many shopping carts.
Ella Brooks taught Heath how to say, "poo poo," for which I am so grateful (very sarcastic). Ah, older siblings. It is actually pretty funny, so I am trying to master the fine art of the "parent sternly saying "no" and hiding how tickled your child has made you. Thankfully, right now he is pretty obsessed the word "ball," so I can distract him easily. He has a VERY LOUD VOICE and yells at people from our screened porch. He is pretty hilarious. I wish you all could see him in action.
That, believe it or not, is my update. No sickness, no heart caths. I hope all updates can be as normal (well, its all relative when it comes to our family, but you know what I mean...)
love, carrie
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