It was just this time last year when the world as we knew it fell apart. we didn't know if we were coming or going, or even what to do next. One of the things that was the hardest for us, as people whose job it usually was to take care of others, was to allow and even welcome help from others. it would have been in my nature to say, "oh, no thank you, we'll be just fine..." but somehow i knew deep down that i was sure i was going to be fine and that, frankly, i could barely move let alone think straight about bills and deadlines and plans.
our friends, the knauerts, have suddenly found the life as they knew it blown apart by the very sudden death of david, their beloved husband and father. david (who was a ncaa swimmer at harvard and long distance runner always) had what is believed to be a massive heart attack while jogging in atlanta on saturday morning and died. He was 38 years old. He leaves behind his wife, Leigh, and his four children, Peter, Lily, Harrison and David.
David was our classmate and good friend in seminary. He actually did the same internship at Central the year before me and then stayed on as a youth advisor. We spent alot of time together. I spent alot of time with his children and wife. We hadn't seen each other in a while, but i have always held them in my heart as dear friends. This is simply heartbreaking. As i wrote last night, I still don't really have words for how heartbreaking it is.
Even harder still--wondering what will happen with his sweet family? They were in Atlanta getting ready to leave for Brazil, where David would teach at a university as they served as Presbyterian mission workers. David just finished his ph.d. at duke last May. He has been in grad school for 10 years, and they were just embarking on this next part of their journey together as a family--serving God (see the post directly below to learn more). Because of all of these factors, I have come to understand that they are now in a really tough spot financially. They were waiting to go to Brazil, and had just sold their house here in durham as they were getting ready to leave for brazil. So not only do they have to figure out how to cope with losing their father, but they will have to worry about where to live, and how they will live.
When we were met last year with Heath's diagnosis and heart transplant, people dropped everything and helped us--some knew us, some did not. One of the reasons we got to where we are in the emotional and physical state we are now is because we didnt' have to worry about the huge bills that were piling up. Thanks to that Good Samaritan Fund at Cary pres and the generous long list of folks who gave to it (we've never actually seen a list of who gave, but I know it was many of you...thanks).
First Presbyterian Church here in Durham is doing something similar for the Knauerts. I just learned the details, and I thought I would pass it on to you:
Donations to the Knauert Children's Well-being Fund can be sent to First Presbyterian Church, 305 E. Main St, Durham, NC 27701. Make check to First Pres but put this fund in memo.
Donations are tax deductible. No pressure, but I thought you might like to know of a family who was giving of themselves who now needs help.
The service to celebrate David's life will be at First Presbyterian on Friday at 4pm. I ask you all to hold his family and friends in your thoughts and prayers.
love and blessings to you all. carrie
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
life is so fragile--a prayer request for friends
on saturday morning i took a cpr class at westminster. it was really helpful--but i must admit the process of learning cpr was quite emotional for me. as the video went through "scenarios" in which cpr might need to be used, i found the emotion welling up in me remembering some of the scariest moments of my life this past november and december. i found myself suddenly so overwelmed thinking about the fragility of life, but then in the same instant thinking about the great enormous joy in this very same life.
i got home, and heath fell asleep on me, sheer joy to any mama, really (unless it is the middle of the night and he or she should be IN THE BED!!). I heard chris say, "oh dear God..." and he turned the computer toward me to read an email, unable to speak.
in horror, i read that our friend and colleague from seminary, David Knauert, had died suddenly that morning while jogging in atlanta. how could this be possible? but it was true. David was in atlanta finishing preparations to go to teach the bible in a university in brazil. As he finished his phd at duke, he and his wife, Leigh, and their 4 children were called to be Presbyterian missionaries.
I don't really have words right now to say about him. You might be interested to read his own words, and you will appreciate him:
http://www.pcusa.org/missionconnections/letters/knauertd/knauertd_0910.htm
what i do ask for are your prayers for his family in such a sudden, tragic time.
we have learned how important it was for us to have those who knew us and didn't know us at all praying when we weren't sure we could or even what or how to pray.
i got home, and heath fell asleep on me, sheer joy to any mama, really (unless it is the middle of the night and he or she should be IN THE BED!!). I heard chris say, "oh dear God..." and he turned the computer toward me to read an email, unable to speak.
in horror, i read that our friend and colleague from seminary, David Knauert, had died suddenly that morning while jogging in atlanta. how could this be possible? but it was true. David was in atlanta finishing preparations to go to teach the bible in a university in brazil. As he finished his phd at duke, he and his wife, Leigh, and their 4 children were called to be Presbyterian missionaries.
I don't really have words right now to say about him. You might be interested to read his own words, and you will appreciate him:
http://www.pcusa.org/missionconnections/letters/knauertd/knauertd_0910.htm
what i do ask for are your prayers for his family in such a sudden, tragic time.
we have learned how important it was for us to have those who knew us and didn't know us at all praying when we weren't sure we could or even what or how to pray.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
a strange anniversary
A year ago yesterday. A year ago yesterday I was meeting my best friend's new baby for the first time in Black Mountain, getting to see good friends and family at Montreat, and I was wildly excited, strangely, about coming home to pack boxes for our move to Durham. Chris had stayed home to take Heath to his 9-month check-up.
And then the world as we knew it, as our families knew it, came crashing down suddenly, with the words, "you know, I think I hear something a little funny, let me get another colleague to listen too..."
As we realized what day it was yesterday, i don't think we knew how reflective we wanted, or could be. I said, "um, Chris, do you know what day it is?" "Yes, Carrie, of course I do." We left it at that. Then we went about our day--as regularly as we know how these days. we picked eb up from school, raked leaves, even had a little gelato date with friends (well, the girls did...).
Somehow, though, the gelato tasted a little better, the raked yard looked a little more beautiful, the leaves felt a little fluffy-er as we jumped in them, and the children's giggles as they jumped sounded like music to our ears.
I snapped a picture of eb helping heath up the stairs, as I teared up, thinking about the year we've had and particularly about all of the people and things for which I am so deeply grateful.
I am grateful for our families who have walked alongside us, holding our hands, crying with us, laughing with us, giving up so much of themselves to try to make this ok.
For our friends all over the world and right here who rushed to our sides, who prayed.
For the communities of faith who cared for us and prayed and had faith when we could barely hope.
For the pediatricians, hospital doctors and nurses and staff who have and continue to care for us so well. Today I am particularly grateful for a thorough pediatrician in Greensboro (thanks, Brian) and for the kind, hopeful way the folks at UNC delivered close to the worst news parents could hear a year ago on this day.
I am grateful for the hilarious conversation/playtime that is going on in the room next to me while Chris and Ella Brooks play with her dollhouse--and heath comes running over periodically to steal a doll or show us them his belly.
A year ago yesterday I remember calling my dad as I was rushing home from Black Mountain to take Heath to the hospital and saying, "dad, i don't know if we'll be able to call to say happy birthday tomorrow..." and today I will rejoice in calling him later to talk about what a lovely day it is on his birthday.
Later today Chris is going to take heath to the dedication of a local habitat house. They will participate in the beginning of someone's else's dreams for a new way of life. Fitting, I think.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
ah, the circle of life
we've had a week, well, several weeks, of pretty serious ups and downs in the tuttle household. that is why i haven't posted anything for a while--I didn't really have words...
yesterday afternoon we had to put our much-loved dog, zeke, to sleep. those of you who had been to our house in the last few years, particularly this year, were well aware of the "wait, let me put the dog up in our room..." schtick. Zeke had always been a little "protective" of us, but unfortunately, his erratic and at times threatening behavior was only increasing toward anyone deemed "stranger" (um, pretty much anyone or thing who wasn't our immediate family). After consulting with a dog behaviorist/trainer and our veterinarian, we learned what I think we already knew in our hearts--Zeke's troubles were completely temperment and not behavior that could be changed. We agonized, but we knew what we had to do. We have shed many, many tears in the past 24 hours. Although he may have seemed "threatening" to others, he was our friend and our other family member, as Ella Brooks continues to call him. He loved us, perhaps to his own detriment. He snuggled with us on the bed, delighted in late-night walks, loved to have his soft ears scratched, and kept Chris company all those times I was on youth trips. The night before Heath crashed last December, I found Zeke under Heath's crib, perhaps knowing what we would know soon after. He slept in Heath's room while he was in the hospital. We were his people. He was our friend. We will forever love him for who he was to us.
Chris and I are now crying on the couch while watching the world series.
We had some good news, though, too. I took Heath into a routine cardiac clinic check-up this morning at Duke. After making it very clear to everyone within earshot how angry he was about being weighed, measured and having his blood drawn again, he settled back into his usual pleasant self, just in time to find out that he is doing so well that he is going to be losing 4 medications!!!! We will be easing out the iron, enalapril (one of the blood pressure meds), prednisolone and valgancyclovir over the next few weeks and month! YEAH!!! We don't go back for a check-up until February. Then, we'll do a cath maybe a month or so after that and if all goes well--not another cath for a YEAR!
we know that there is alot of time (and sickness season) between now and then, but that is pretty darn exciting. the kids have h1n1 and regular flu shots and Heath is getting synagis, the monthly shot that is regularly given to premies during winter months to help stave off rsv. And we're starting to try to stick closer to home with him too (my awesome bible study group just gave me the most incredible care package for being home more--thanks!!). This is tough because he would like to go out and flirt and hug pretty much every person he sees. Yes, he is my child. If you say anything about his belly, he lifts his shirt to show WHOMEVER is in front of him (yesterday it was random ladies at the table next to us at Rick's). I am not sure whose child he is when he does that...(Chris??)
speaking of contagious illness, I don't think i have written about the "chicken pox episode." it appears that eb sat on some sort of biting insect or something because she suddenly had little red bumps all over her legs and torso one evening. since she had been vaccinated, we weren't sure how chicken pox would present itself (she didn't feel bad), so to be cautious we and our wonderful pediatrician and the heart folks at duke decided to quarantine eb and me at my mom's house (bless mom and strow--they are very good sports with these sorts of things). we had to go and get her "scraped" at duke (they had to do it in our car because we needed it done quickly and they had no room in the inn) to see if it was pox or not. oh my. it was a little scary because it could be very bad for heath to be exposed to something like chx pox. but alas, it was some sort of bug bite (over 50 of them--poor itchy girl) and we were reunited again for more fun, tuttle family adventures.
we had a great time celebrating ella brooks' birthday. you'll see some pictures of her party with her friends. mom and pat were the fabulous grandmas with music, art and lots of fun! it was a great time for all, especially eb. heath actually slept through the entire party, which was PERFECT since we didn't want him around so many people. We did a little family celebrating at the birthday hut (long story) at mom and strow's the weekend before.
on monday our family went to burlington so I could speak to the Presbyterian Women at First Presbyterian. it was so wonderful to be back with our dear friends in burlington--and they tolerated my lovely children getting excited about the microphone and lecturn and piano after the lunch! it was an emotional day too because it was the first time i had spoken in public about all that has happened with us in this past year. it was hard to re-live those events in november and december of last year, but it was also helpful to see how far we've come--only with the help of others and by the grace of God.
step by step. hour by hour. day by day. if i have learned nothing else, it is to appreciate all those moments, especially the little things.
carrie
yesterday afternoon we had to put our much-loved dog, zeke, to sleep. those of you who had been to our house in the last few years, particularly this year, were well aware of the "wait, let me put the dog up in our room..." schtick. Zeke had always been a little "protective" of us, but unfortunately, his erratic and at times threatening behavior was only increasing toward anyone deemed "stranger" (um, pretty much anyone or thing who wasn't our immediate family). After consulting with a dog behaviorist/trainer and our veterinarian, we learned what I think we already knew in our hearts--Zeke's troubles were completely temperment and not behavior that could be changed. We agonized, but we knew what we had to do. We have shed many, many tears in the past 24 hours. Although he may have seemed "threatening" to others, he was our friend and our other family member, as Ella Brooks continues to call him. He loved us, perhaps to his own detriment. He snuggled with us on the bed, delighted in late-night walks, loved to have his soft ears scratched, and kept Chris company all those times I was on youth trips. The night before Heath crashed last December, I found Zeke under Heath's crib, perhaps knowing what we would know soon after. He slept in Heath's room while he was in the hospital. We were his people. He was our friend. We will forever love him for who he was to us.
Chris and I are now crying on the couch while watching the world series.
We had some good news, though, too. I took Heath into a routine cardiac clinic check-up this morning at Duke. After making it very clear to everyone within earshot how angry he was about being weighed, measured and having his blood drawn again, he settled back into his usual pleasant self, just in time to find out that he is doing so well that he is going to be losing 4 medications!!!! We will be easing out the iron, enalapril (one of the blood pressure meds), prednisolone and valgancyclovir over the next few weeks and month! YEAH!!! We don't go back for a check-up until February. Then, we'll do a cath maybe a month or so after that and if all goes well--not another cath for a YEAR!
we know that there is alot of time (and sickness season) between now and then, but that is pretty darn exciting. the kids have h1n1 and regular flu shots and Heath is getting synagis, the monthly shot that is regularly given to premies during winter months to help stave off rsv. And we're starting to try to stick closer to home with him too (my awesome bible study group just gave me the most incredible care package for being home more--thanks!!). This is tough because he would like to go out and flirt and hug pretty much every person he sees. Yes, he is my child. If you say anything about his belly, he lifts his shirt to show WHOMEVER is in front of him (yesterday it was random ladies at the table next to us at Rick's). I am not sure whose child he is when he does that...(Chris??)
speaking of contagious illness, I don't think i have written about the "chicken pox episode." it appears that eb sat on some sort of biting insect or something because she suddenly had little red bumps all over her legs and torso one evening. since she had been vaccinated, we weren't sure how chicken pox would present itself (she didn't feel bad), so to be cautious we and our wonderful pediatrician and the heart folks at duke decided to quarantine eb and me at my mom's house (bless mom and strow--they are very good sports with these sorts of things). we had to go and get her "scraped" at duke (they had to do it in our car because we needed it done quickly and they had no room in the inn) to see if it was pox or not. oh my. it was a little scary because it could be very bad for heath to be exposed to something like chx pox. but alas, it was some sort of bug bite (over 50 of them--poor itchy girl) and we were reunited again for more fun, tuttle family adventures.
we had a great time celebrating ella brooks' birthday. you'll see some pictures of her party with her friends. mom and pat were the fabulous grandmas with music, art and lots of fun! it was a great time for all, especially eb. heath actually slept through the entire party, which was PERFECT since we didn't want him around so many people. We did a little family celebrating at the birthday hut (long story) at mom and strow's the weekend before.
on monday our family went to burlington so I could speak to the Presbyterian Women at First Presbyterian. it was so wonderful to be back with our dear friends in burlington--and they tolerated my lovely children getting excited about the microphone and lecturn and piano after the lunch! it was an emotional day too because it was the first time i had spoken in public about all that has happened with us in this past year. it was hard to re-live those events in november and december of last year, but it was also helpful to see how far we've come--only with the help of others and by the grace of God.
step by step. hour by hour. day by day. if i have learned nothing else, it is to appreciate all those moments, especially the little things.
carrie
Monday, October 12, 2009
fun at the waterford fair
So we had a great visit to waterford, virginia, to the annual Waterford Homes Tour and Crafts Fair. Waterford is a village where my nana has lived for almost 40 years and it feels as much like home as any place for me. I was so excited that we'd be able to go this year! We had to be careful about germs and we kept Heath out of most of the big crowds, but he even got to experience the fun of the fair. Heath and Ella Brooks enjoyed great time with cousins, great-grandmother, aunts, uncles, grandparents and great family friends. Other than Heath not sleeping very well, both kids did beautifully. My sister, Cindy and her fiance came from Macon, GA, and she posted these pictures: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/album.php?aid=2068666&id=44301602
We had a great opportunity for a new friend, Kathy Zavatson, to do a photo shoot with mostly the kids, but even the whole family. You can see some of the pictures in her blog:
As you can see, she is a fabulous photographer. If you live in the dc/northern virginia area, you should get her to do some photos for you!
It was such a great feeling--bringing tears to our eyes multiple times throughout the weekend--to see our family laughing, drinking wine (not the kids, of course!!), enjoying one another, and doing something that we have done for my entire life (roaming around the fair). the way you look at the world changes when you have been where we have been in the last year. the way that you enjoy the very simple things in life changes too.
that is all i have to update right now.
blessings to you all.
carrie
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
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